not just a fortunate fool

i'm a Trojan now!

2010-12-28T00:58:00.000-06:00

Dear Hanna,

Congratulations on your admission to the School of Social Work at the University of Southern California. Your application has been favorably reviewed and your admission is to the Part-Time Master of Social Work program, pending university approval by the USC Graduate Office of Admissions. As an incoming Virtual Academic Center (VAC) student, we welcome you to the Trojan Family! We are excited that you will have the opportunity to achieve your educational and professional aspirations through a highly interactive web-based learning platform.

The launch of our new Virtual Academic Center program represents a bold new chapter in our school's long history. USC is the first among top-ranked universities to offer its highly regarded Master of Social Work degree online.

Choosing to pursue your master's degree is an important decision - and even more so when it's from a distance. We appreciate your confidence in us to provide an intellectually stimulating academic experience you can share with like-minded professors and peers in a collaborative, inspirational environment - all without stepping foot on campus.

Your application demonstrates significant accomplishments, contributions and talents. We believe students like you will thrive in this new highly interactive, technologically innovative setting, and encourage you to take full advantage of the opportunities that await you. The Virtual Academic Center may offer you a different set of learning tools on your educational journey, but the school's mission to nurture your intellectual, professional and personal development remains the same.

send

2010-11-15T04:48:00.002-06:00

at 4:47am i clicked send on my first online job posting response.

i know it's hard, i know it's tough, but i've got to have faith in myself and in my abilities. these last four and a half years have not been a waste. i've found myself (so to speak), learned to be selfless (for the most part), and discovered so much about the world.

it's funny how you try so hard in life to fit in or be like others, when in reality, it's the differences that set you apart and make you shine to others. hopefully i'll shine a bit more than others. i think that my collegiate years and experiences have made me into a particularly unique person, but who knows.

no worries friends, i have backup plan upon backup plan upon even more backup plans. i'm not worried about where life will take me, it's just a matter of achieving what i want for myself, not being afraid to reach high and not settle low.

my family might call me stubborn and bullheaded, but i believe it's these qualities that have helped me forge ahead in all my ventures. without that taurean part of me, i'm not sure what would have fueled my passions and motivated me. now if i could just stop procrastinating and finish my 3-6 page paper...

personal statements

2010-11-02T03:44:00.001-05:00

working on mine for USC’s MSW Virtual Program right now. really banking on a badass one to get in and go to school for 2-3 more years. yay me.

so lately a lot of changes have occurred in my life. no, LA is no longer a definite. but yes, so many more possibilities have opened up. i realized that LA was the easy out for me. it seemed easy and definitely too good to be true. i finally realized it was just me not taking control of my life and really pursuing what i want.

it was hard right after i made the decision to take control again. you feel lost, not knowing where to start.

but here i am again. this month is full of lining up interviews and applying to jobs & the MSW program. i have plans, and backups…lots and lots of them. hopefully in 2 months, i will have even better and definite plans for the coming year. i will admit that i’ve been dreaming about DC lately. hopefully my visit in december will be fruitful. i’m looking forward to well, living life…

睡不下...

2010-10-28T03:35:00.001-05:00

我每次想太多就睡不下了,因為太激動了. bah 連中文作業都還沒寫完, 可是我一開始想著可能的未來就真高興...尤其是我們見面的一天...該怎麼跟一個沒碰過的好朋友說你很真愛他跟你討論的日常會話?

plans...kinda...

2010-10-28T03:08:00.002-05:00

i like having a plan of action. it feels good. it's something for me to work towards. it's solid.

i love that my parents are behind me on it. and i love their concerns. mom made sure to stress to me that "it's ok to come home and rest," that i don't always have to keep myself so busy. however, she still remembers our disagreement which changed a lot of things for me (and honestly, made me take more control over my future) but also made sure that i knew she wasn't telling me i had to go home, just that it's always an option i have.

not one to back away from challenges or changes, i think i'm ready to jump into life and the real world, so to speak. hopefully it won't be like another cliff diving episode where i pretty much got punched by the fricking lake...but hey, i still walked away from that with a proud, shiny bruiser (and a half). so yea, that's how life is. sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches, suck it up. don't be afraid to climb those trees, cuz i know i'm lucky enough that there's always someone around to help me down from those tall, dangerous, but oh-so-exhilarating heights.

vignette 2: nostalgia

2010-10-20T02:13:00.001-05:00

They all tell me that when I was a little girl, I was cute and lively, engaging and polite, endearing and sweet. When guests came over to my grandparents house to visit, I never failed to pour each person a cup of water from the water dispenser. Absolutely everyone would exclaim in cries of "isn't she the most precious thing! So polite too!"

I don't remember these things...

At first, it used to delight me. But then I thought about it more. Was, was, WAS. If that WAS how the little me seemed in their eyes, forever the picture of sweetness at that set point in time, did the versions of me after pale considerably in comparison?

The things I do remember are the tantrums I threw, locking myself in rooms while stubbornly ignoring the knocks and calls on the other side of the door. I remember being angry because of the gossip, the words exchanged, and the fights. I remember the argument one day with my cousin that ended up with me running off to be alone in the streets of the shopping district, not returning to the mall where everyone was looking for me until an hour later. There was a period of time...until a year or two ago, my grandmother would start off her conversations with me with the question, "so has your temper improved recently?"

Among other things, I also remember how culture shock literally shocked me into silence. So confused, so scared, so unsure, that I rarely spoke. Gone was the engaging, lively girl of their stories. In my head I created wondrous worlds of fairytale and fantasy, but all anyone else could see was an awkward and silent little Asian girl. My parents were called in often to meet with my kindergarten teacher that first year because of my reluctance to speak. I knew the words! I really did. But my mind was fraught with the horror of possibly saying the right thing in the wrong language or would simply freeze. I would sometimes stare at things, trying to remember the word for it in one language or another.

In kinder, I felt behind, hindered by my insecurities. The most vivid memory I have is of recreating our own versions of "The Hungry Caterpillar" using glue, scissors and construction paper. My teacher praised one girl on being able to write a few simple words. Mimicking that, I wrote gibberish on parts of my own craft. When asked what it said, my head hung in silence at my inability to convey what the scribbles meant. It was the little triumphs that would surprise me though. Apparently I constructed a 3D page of the caterpillar blossoming into a butterfly, something I did with much concentration. My teacher was completely astonished. At some point she borrowed my creation without me realizing to show the teacher next door. Lost in my own world, it wasn't until I couldn't find it that I noticed, panicking in silence and frantically searching around my work area. She came back to the classroom and saw me anxiously peering around, returning my work to me and apologizing for not asking me first.

So when they tell me the story of the elusive sweet-mannered little girl, I always wonder, what do they see in the version of me now that makes them recall the memories of her? Is it something I lack? Why is it I don't remember this girl? My memories are fraught with the angry girl, the lonely girl, the confused girl. Most times, I'm not sure I like little miss perfect. She seems to shine the light brighter on all of my inadequacies.

vignette 1

2010-10-19T14:44:00.003-05:00

We wandered aimlessly around the city that day. At first, I thought it would be odd, finally meeting after all the conversations and letters, but aside from the first few moments of awkward introductions, we settled into a cocoon of nameless comfort that old friends have.

In my memory, I still remember the bench we precariously shared as we scarfed down the kebabs from a nearby street vendor, laughing at each other as we wiped tzatziki sauce from the corner of each others' mouths. From there, the day was a wondrous blur. Losing ourselves amongst the shelves of a bookstore we found hidden in a nook surrounded by trendy boutiques, poking each other awake in the theater while watching the show his roommate procured free tickets to, shopping for dinner ingredients at the market, laughing so hard we fell off our chairs...

But I think the sweetest memory of all, was when we were walking in the cold, I shivered ever so slightly because my coat was just not quite cut out for a real winter. You noticed and offered your coat to me.

"But you'll be cold then!" I protested.

Without saying a word, you took my left arm and slipped it into the left arm of your coat while you were still wearing the other half. Your left arm slipped comfortably around my waist. It's warmth added on to the slight heat that had crept up to my cheeks and kept me toasty. "Problem solved," you said...

letters

2010-10-19T11:34:00.000-05:00

i realized the other day i really enjoyed writing to you. i love writing in general, especially when it comes to snail mail, but this time, it felt different. i felt like i was brimming with words to say, and even tho it didn't seem like it, i held back a lot. i'm not sure if it was a good or bad thing. i just know that i hope we keep talking. i hope one day i can say all the things i'm brimming with and you'll understand.

love what you do

2010-10-07T03:12:00.002-05:00

when i start getting overwhelmed by all the things i took on this semester/year, i start to think about what i shouldn't have taken on...that's when i realize there's nothing i want to give up. let's make it all happen ♥

nothing like those late nights, catching up on Chinese hmwk while taking breaks to work on things ranging from ppt presentations, to launching an awesome community project (or two, or three), creating proposals, chronicling history, connecting to amazing people...etc.

wouldn't trade it for anything (ok, maybe a bit more sleep once in a while)

accomplished =]

2010-09-30T02:07:00.004-05:00

my poor eeepc got a nasty virus on sunday, therefore, i put on my techie thinking hat again and have managed to upgrade it to win7 professional all by myself! i did have to ask one of my little brothers to get rid of the virus first -_-...i upgraded to prevent any risk of corrupt files or drivers.

other accomplishments that have made me happy so far this week:
-keeping up with my Chinese classwork
-alumni database is coming along swimmingly
-feature article contacting is too!
-i'm not behind in class! hurray

i've also noticed my thoughts drifting more and more back to the food blog. might be reviving that soon. ill keep everyone posted ;)

moment of the day

2010-09-14T14:10:00.003-05:00

today in Chinese class we had reading quizzes where you pick a random paper to read a selection of the lesson's text from.

as one of the randomly chosen people i went up and read the selection i chose. after i completed my quiz, my professor asked me if i spoke Taiwanese as a child. i answered "yes, i did." She also asked me if i spoke Mandarin as a child too (which I also did). I responded that i grew up speaking both. As i walked back to my seat, i saw that she smiled at my response =]...

yet another instance of how taiwanese i am...yay.

so i write....

2010-09-14T01:19:00.001-05:00

more posting since i can't seem to focus on my homework...

I applied for graduation online today. It's happening people. Everyday is a step closer.

I've found my mind wandering so much about the what if's...unfortunately my strength along with being a chronic worry-wort.

So I write. I love how stress-relieving it is...

Remembering the days of innocence with a wistful sigh, her fingers trailed the rails of the forgotten stairwell hidden in a mass of overgrown ivies behind the garage.

Lana ducked and maneuvered her way up the crickety spiral steps with the familiarity of one who treaded the path often. Even so, she did not go unscathed. A malicious thorn scratched the girl's leg, procuring a few drops of blood.

"Darn thorns," Lana exclaimed in frustration. The sweltering heat of the day did nothing to dampen the exasperation growing in her as she unlocked the door to the hidden haven she had created for herself.

The small storage area above the garage was fairly rickety. Lana's brother had once inhabited it in a fit of exerting his independence from their smothering parents. After repainting the place and setting up a decently adequate bedroom, he abandoned the place a week later, declaring that having to walk back to the house to use the bathroom wasn't worth the trouble of freedom. After a big storm a couple of years back, the attic flooded and the contents that were salvageable were relocated here. As the time passed, more and more boxes and unwanted items from the house slowly filled up the space above the garage.

This is where Lana found her haven, amongst the discarded memorabilia from her family's lives.

...to be continued...

eyes closed, jumping in

2010-09-14T00:13:00.004-05:00

foody fatty

2010-09-12T01:59:00.002-05:00

I ate so much today. It was pretty much a continuous stream of nomnomnom...

Lunch buffet at Buffet Palace w Austin Taiwanese Association. Interesting enough one of our discussion topics was dieting -_-...we fail

then grocery shopping and putting my new mini-tart and cuneiform cake pans to use!

I made my own rendition of a Strawberry Cream Pie from a post on Sweetfineday's blog and made some mini fruit tarts I filled with marscapone whipped cream and strawberries/grapes/raspberries.

Baking really relieves so much of the pent up stress I retained from the tiring weekdays I've been putting myself through. It's nice to have a weekend to myself =].

blurr

2010-09-08T01:56:00.002-05:00

that's what life has been.

so busy i haven't had time to blog. chinese class is keeping me busy though...im actually really surprised by how well i can read despite it being 2 years since i took part 1 of accelerated chinese. im putting in the effort, but i feel like i should be doing more.

however, the rest of life is taken over by all the CAAS, ITASA and now NATWA II happenings. lots of things lifting off.

i got the chance to meet a lot of amazing ppl in the TAA South Conference I just attended. it really inspired me, how amazing our small TA community is. without them, i dont think i would have had the connection i needed to my heritage, my family, my own history.

i love old guys at home depot

2010-09-01T00:03:00.003-05:00

the day i picked up the keys to my new/current place, i went to home depot to make some copies of keys. i got this old guy. he asked me right off the bat, where my ancestors were from. at first i was thinking, "great...one of those..." so as usual i answer "i'm TAIWANESE."

his response, "OH...the BETTER CHINESE."

totally made my day. i even stuck around for another 10-15 minutes while he rambled about U.S. history and basically how our government sucks and is ridiculous. he even told me he retired when G.W. was governor of texas. too bad i am a history minor and already knew all the stuff he was talking about or i wouldve been more interested.

lesson learned: old guys at home depot are AWESOME

lessons from the weekend

2010-08-31T14:40:00.000-05:00

boys are more gossipy than girls
we’re all a bunch of fb whores/stalkers (esp the boys)
everyone loves warm cookies
girls that game are hawt
nomnomnommmm
rudy’s bbq is worth the wait
it’s ok to let loose and party aka lose sleep to have some fun

whirlwind...

2010-08-16T04:35:00.001-05:00

22nd - move in, unpack, family in at night

23rd - car delivery to cousin in denton

24th - first day of school & phone conferences!

25th - first arrivals for ITASA summit!

26th-29th - ITASA summit weekend madness!!!

labor day weekend - TAA Southwest Conference!!!

just finished watching Children of Invention...amazing movie. also director Tze Chun is..kinda hot ;)

something about this movie resonated with me. i think a lot of it has to do with my parents working lots of late night back in the day and me having to "look" after my younger brothers. there were some tough times, but we always made it through.

musky reads and finds

2010-08-14T04:02:00.003-05:00

the other day tina and i went on one of our afternoon/evening adventures trapaising around austin. one of the places we stopped by ended up being a goodwill store. although i find it hard to make myself buy clothing or kitchen items from goodwill stores, i love the cheap furniture finds and book sections.

paperbacks are $1.99 and hardbacks are $2.99

finds: wicked, a paulo coehlo book, and The book of answers

total was under $10 and all the books were in great condition

the interesting thing i find of places like goodwill is the smell. it's this weird musky scent of dust and 2ndhanded items that you only encounter in thrift stores, and charity shops. it permeates the entire store and the items in it. i find that although i dont object to 2ndhanded items, i find the smell disconcerting. perhaps it holds the scent of memories that all these material belongings came with. cramped into a store that is bursting at the seams with peoples' unwanted items. i find myself fanning the books i buy at places like these several times, airing out the unpleasant scent. it doesn't devalue these items to me, but it makes me think and ruminate on who couldve owned it before. the places they've been, the people that've held them, the reasons they were cast away...

books you can't live without

2010-08-10T17:23:00.001-05:00

published in the guardian. estimated that most ppl have only read 6 out of the following 100 titles.

i've read 31...book nerd >]

1 Pride and Prejudice Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird Harper Lee

6 The Bible

7 Wuthering Heights Emily Bronte

=8 Nineteen Eighty-Four George Orwell

=8 His Dark Materials Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations Charles Dickens

11 Little Women Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the d'Urbervilles Thomas Hardy

13 Catch-22 Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare William Shakespeare

15 Rebecca Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong Sebastian Faulks

18 Catcher in the Rye JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveler's Wife Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby F Scott Fitzgerald

23 Bleak House Charles Dickens

24 War and Peace Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia CS Lewis

34 Emma Jane Austen

35 Persuasion Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe CS Lewis

37 The Kite Runner Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin Louis de Bernières

39 Memoirs of a Geisha Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh AA Milne

41 Animal Farm George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney John Irving

45 The Woman in White Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid's Tale Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies William Golding

50 Atonement Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi Yann Martel

52 Dune Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men John Steinbeck

62 Lolita Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones's Diary Helen Fielding

69 Midnight's Children Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist Charles Dickens

72 Dracula Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses James Joyce

76 The Bell Jar Sylvia Plath

77 Swallows and Amazons Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte's Web EB White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince Antoine de Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory Iain Banks

94 Watership Down Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Roald Dahl

100 Les Misérables Victor Hugo

the ones i have read are:

Pride and Prejudice

Harry Potter

To Kill a Mockingbird

1984

Great Expectations

Little Women

Tess of the D'Urbervilles

Rebecca

The Hobbit

The Great Gatsby

Alice in Wonderland

Chronicles of Narnia

The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

The Kite Runner

Memoirs of a Geisha

Winnie the Pooh

Animal Farm

The Da Vinci Code

A Prayer for Owen Meaney

Anne of Green Gables

The Handmaid's Tale

Life of Pi

Of Mice and Men

Count of Monte Cristo

Dracula

The Secret Garden

Charlotte's Web

The 5 People You Meet in Heaven

The Little Prince

Hamlet

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

leaping

2010-08-09T03:33:00.000-05:00

i love my parents. life hasn't always been easy but they've always been there for me. yes they are the typical asian parents most of the time, and they have their problems as well, but lately, they're so supportive. maybe they reflect on not being able to do the things they wanted in their young lives. maybe they regret and don't want me to. sure they dispense advice and want me the best for me, but i like to think that their okayness with the choices i've made in life are due to wanting me to be happy and to be honest, the fact that i'm so stubborn they know they won't be able to change my mind anyway.

maybe my parents place too much trust in me. hopefully i will live up to it all.

i know this. as of now, post grad plans are to go to LA until grad school in the fall (hopefully >_<). life has been a whirlwind lately, and this little addition even more so. i'll also be applying for the NATWA II internship in the coming week or so. i just feel like even though things have been unexpected and definitely sudden, it's all fitting into place.

you don't need to let others direct your life. if you make the choices that you are passionate about and stick to them, the rest will come. this is the life lesson i continually learn. no regrets. the last 4 years have been amazing. this semester will be the magnum opus. then guess what? i'm all grown up and adult life begins...sort of ;) who needs 9-to-5s when you can live against the rush hour?

MASH

2010-08-01T06:01:00.002-05:00

i'm kinda/sorta settled in at my brother/peter's apartment now...with the wacky sleep schedule i have due to the moving and no class, i'm up early twiddling my thumbs, so i decided to play a game of semi-serious MASH

here are the choices:

boys: i took the easy way out... a, b, c, d, e

autos: porsche, truck, smartcar, motor scooter, benz

color: white, yellow, purple, grey, black

# kids: 0-4

location: LA, NYC, TX-austin, NorCal, Taiwan

job: non profit badass, cookie maker, unknown, mcdonalds server, work for family

and the results...

You will live in Shack.
You will drive a yellow benz.
You will marry a and have 4 kids.
You will work for mom and dad in NorCal.

i have some mixed feelings about this, but all in good fun i suppose...omg 4 kids though...no wonder i'm living in a shack. i hope that benz is a thank you present from my parents for popping out so many kids lol.

on repeat: Your Love by Nikki Minaj and Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars

totally craving some Round Rock Donuts sigh...

and then it hits you

2010-07-29T15:43:00.002-05:00

i just ran my degree audit toward my asian american studies major and history minor...wow. i didn't think it would happen. i mean, i knew it would. i knew when, what, how....but i never really realized. it's real ppl.

i'm graduating in december.

time to leave some things behind, time to go after the things i've wanted. there's no time to dally any longer. eegads

i like to move it, move it (NOT)

2010-07-25T14:49:00.002-05:00

packing and moving this weekend and throughout the week. thanks to all my amazing friends who have helped out!

the moving is really trying on my nerves this year though =[...i'm a lot more stressed than i've been since the conference, prolly due to having to setup my brother's apartment as well...all the logistics and problems just are not helping. definitely hiring movers for moving in again in august. definitely redeeming my groupon massage next week once everything is settled.

need to simplify my life and try to shed the material belongings that i don't need. don't be surprised if you start getting stuff from me!

soap

2010-07-21T04:01:00.002-05:00

it's funny how smell can bring back so much nostalgia. for me, the scents people carry around with them make a deep impression in my memories.

soap. something we (should) use everyday. as a kid, we were a bar soap family. it wasn't really until college that i started using bodywashes. the smell of lever 2000 permeated the memories of elementary. in middle school, i vaguely remember we started to switch over to olay. from most of high school on, it was the scent of dove that steamed up our bathrooms. i never thought about how these fragrance impressions would mark such periods in my life, but they do.

last summer while i was shopping for my brothers dorm things (they were little innocent freshmen last year! now rising sophomores but just as spoiled!), i found lever 2000 bodywash. i bought a bottle for each and passed them along. unfortunately, my parents forgot to tell me that although they asked me to buy all the stuff my brothers needed for school, they had made a trip with them to the store themselves, so in the end they had doubles of items we both bought.

at the school year this past may, the twins dropped off a mountain of things in my gigantic room (which i will miss immensely when i move next week). among them, one left a bottle of lever 2000 bodywash. as i organized the jumbled boxes, i took the bottle and stuck it in the shower for myself. i don't use it often, but sometimes while i'm debating which wash to use in the shower, i'll open it up just to smell the scent, reminding myself of those days when life was a lot easier. remember those days? less pressure, less responsibility, and a lot more fun. not that i'm not having fun nowadays. but it's different. it's a kind of innocence that you can't return to. you can only lose yourself in the memories once in a while...like when you smell the scent of soap you used as a kid.

packing/unpacking

2010-07-19T03:34:00.002-05:00

there's something inherently cleansing about packing up my things and cleaning out a space i inhabited for the past year. it's something i've done every year since i began my collegiate career. interestingly enough, every year the part i dread the most is the actual act of moving but packing/unpacking gets me into an excited frenzy!

it's crazy how used to moving and setting up a space i am now. yesterday i visited a friend who just moved to texas from ohio. in a single day she went from sleeping on a sleeping bag and an empty apartment (except for the one car of belongings she brought with her) to stocking her kitchen, putting up curtains, a desk chair, futon and desk! i just love the feeling of setting up a living space that makes people feel at home. it's something i've always prided myself in being able to do for all the places i've inhabited. places i can truly call my my own. my family home was never the space that i filled myself, so setting up apartments is a pleasure i've come to revel in. i put in a lot of thought and have gotten myself into crazy situations like getting my couch stuck in the teeny hallway of an efficiency i used to live in junior year.

i'll always cherish all the memories...and i have more to come! i think i wont be able to shake myself of that moving bug anytime soon. but hopefully i'll at least break the 1 year thing. i love moving to new places but it's a pretty tiring ordeal as well. having to set up 2 apartments in the next month or so will be interesting. we'll be moving next week and staying at one of my brother's new apartment for a month or so until our lease starts in late august.

pride

2010-07-13T05:23:00.001-05:00

its made up of lonely moments
there was always a moment there when i knew
you always gave instalments
always knew u concentrated and grew

and i believe in reinvention
do you believe that life is holding the clue
take away all the lonely moments
give me full communication with you

R:your smile shine a little light, alright
dont hide, shine a little light
give up on your pride

syntax - pride

insatiable

2010-07-12T01:23:00.003-05:00

i spent a lot of the last hour or so just laying in bed and thinking. reminiscing, dreaming, imagining... i like all the sweet and sour memories that i just sift through like fluffy white flour, coating me entirely, falling into the nooks and crannies in a fine white powder that settles indiscriminately.

my head throbs.

it throbs with all the thoughts, all my dreams, all my wishes, and sometimes i feel kinda useless. because when you lay in bed thinking all these thoughts, you're not out there pursuing the things you dream. one of my biggest fears in life is that i get stuck. stuck just thinking and thinking the day away, not accomplishing all the things i think about. but even worse than that is that sometimes i feel that i'm so scared of getting stuck that i don't strike out.

i'm taking it one step at a time, just getting a bit impatient...and sometimes a bit lonely. i have amazing support from my family and friends, it's just up to me now to get things going.

late night lament

2010-07-08T02:44:00.002-05:00

did you ever notice...

the things we shared together

the facets we had in common

the similarities in personality?

i did.

i noticed how we became giddy when intoxicated

our hearts searching for contact

to something familiar

something friendly

something warm.

i noticed how we are particular

about how we like our tea

half sweet, half unsweet

so we can fully taste the flavors

that artificial sweetness hides.

i noticed how we're both inquisitive souls

sometimes speaking too brashly

the questions that tingle our minds

not always censoring the words

that might offend or incite

but really,

what i noticed the most

was our differences

the space that we both keep

around our true selves and hearts.

i noticed the space that i set

to keep others apart

i noticed that you kept it too

but we let it slip,

once in a while.

it's in those times that i can see your happiness

could you see mine?

there were only a few instances

our happinesses met

and said hello, let's dance.

i noticed all these things

and i can't help but wonder

did you?

maybe what i'm really afraid of

is that no one else notices too.

bookworm

2010-07-03T02:22:00.003-05:00

this hurricane induced rain has made the start to my weekend drowsy and unproductive. my left eye was a bit swollen today so i could only stay in and sleep most of the day, but by night i was (almost) good to go and had dinner with tina, her sister and daph at this viet/cajun place that had crawfish pho! it was interesting and different, not bad at all. the fact that it had sausage was still a bit weird tho.

then we ventured to the plaza across the street for some nice browsing at half price (one of my loves). finally got ahold of Lahiri's unaccustomed earth short story collection and a fluff book for me to read and take my mind off things. yay to reading on rainy days

throb

2010-07-01T10:20:00.002-05:00

been sleeping a bit better last couple of days. not sure if it's just me catching up on sleep or actually getting back to a healthier sleep habit, but it's lovely and restful.

yesterday, post-dinner at a friend's i had another one of my spacey moments again. so much is in the air right now about my future, yet i know i have a clear vision of what i want to accomplish. just waiting for things to confirm as to how i'm getting there.

after finals next week, it'll be packing, cleaning, ruminating, filling out graduate school applications. i don't know how many people are aware of it. but even though i seem calm and levelheaded most of the time, i'm insecure inside. i can fill a conversation, but when it comes down to having confidence in my intelligence, body, even my personality, i pick it all apart. i'm never happy with the way i am, and i don't think i'll get there for a while. it's been better though. i know when i've accomplished pretty ambitious feats. it's just that the feeling always gives way to my inadequacies eventually.

schools i'm thinking about: usc, berkeley, columbia, wash u @ st. louis, ut,

if you are falling

2010-06-30T02:27:00.005-05:00

then i'll always be here to catch you...

i'm not the strongest, the smartest, the prettiest, the nicest, the tallest, the skinniest, but i'm always around with an open ear, heart, arms and pantry =]. and needless to say, i'm here for you when you need it.

anxiety

2010-06-29T12:32:00.002-05:00

最近的我太擔心了. 不知道為什麼.

been having trouble getting to sleep lately. always needing to read until i fall asleep or turn on something to watch. even then, i can tell it's a shallow sleep. the kind where im conscious of all the sounds around me outside the window, in my room, in the apartment...i hear it all.

i've been worrying a lot too. stressing over the little things to the point i just end up not doing anything bc i'm thinking about it too much. i'm not sure what it is, but this feeling of anxiety also causes me to force myself to do things i don't normally do. which can be a good thing, i think.

yea sometimes i feel like i'm forcing myself to go out just to get to class, work, hang out with friends, but i really do enjoy it. i just always end up brooding a bit in my room in the before and after. not doing much. just thinking, worrying, trying to relax myself.

other than all this, it really has been a great and eventful summer. i'm really glad i have the friends i have and love all the company. so if i seem a bit spacey or contemplative sometimes, don't worry, i'm still having a great time. i just need some time away in my thoughts to sort out the anxiety once in a while.

----

latest dream: i'm driving people in my old white expedition but something is wrong. my wheel and pedals are turned facing the passenger seat so i'm driving sitting at a 90degree angle. i'm freaking out. it's horrible just trying to stay in the lanes and my passengers continue to giggle and laugh at my atrocious driving. i'm able to eventually slow down enough to figure out how to turn the whole thing back around so it's facing forward, but i still don't understand why or how.

dreaming the night away

2010-06-22T09:59:00.002-05:00

I was particularly struck with a dream/story I had just before waking this morning. During my walk to class today, I left off my glasses and and opted to walk with only my sunglasses on. With the horribleness of my eyesight, I ambled to class. It was a bit refreshing to not have to notice/see the details, people watch, read any words. I was able to in a way immerse myself and hold on to it and think about it more.

I was at my grandparents' house. We were all jumping around having fun. My brothers, my family, a few friends and even him... As we settled down to sleep, we ran out of spaces! My friends jokingly kidded that he would have to squeeze in next to me in bed. The room my family stays in at my grandparents' has a king and queen bed that are settled right next to each other. My brothers slept to the right of me with one other in the king bed to my right, and he jumped in and laid down to my left. As my friends threw a huge blanket over us and ran out giggling, his arm came down over the blanket and together covered me in a comforting embrace that I believed was just an extension and tease that went along with my friends' suggestive teasing. I shrugged it off and fell into sleep.

In the middle of the night, I awoke with a start. Someone was starting to snake their arm around my waist and pull me closer. I panicked. Flying out from under the blanket I rolled over closer to my brothers. When I finally looked back, I saw him acting nonchalant, trying to mask his embarrassment and hurt of my pulling away. Regrets flooded throughout me as I tried to think of a way to address what just happened. To tell him it was ok, I wanted his embrace too, he merely took me off guard. I always thought he didn't care, that any flirtatious encounters were just friendly teasing. That he knew of my schoolgirl crush and was too nice to say anything.

The situation continued to grow more awkward as I huddled by the back of one of my brothers. The anxiety in me continued to grow and suddenly, I bolted up and out of the room to the downstairs level of the house. For some reason, everyone was up and about and as they saw me making my way to the restroom, they each stopped me and asked if anything was wrong. "Of course not," I replied, my heart still fluttering. I awoke as I stood by the bathroom basin, splashing my face to cool down the flush that had risen to my cheeks.

So why did I shy away from something I had wanted? Something that could have made me happy? Was it truly just the shock of the unexpected reciprocation? Maybe I'm just really not ready. Maybe this is a sign it shouldn't move further than the schoolgirl crush I still harbor somewhere...and it's not. It won't be moving any further. But I guess my dreams can't help but wonder...

summer allnighter

2010-06-14T05:08:00.002-05:00

oops i did it again...

darn my procrastination and all the distractions i'm not strong enough to resist.

up all night tonight cramming for my Greek history final...at least it's not another paper. i've had plenty of those Spring 2010.

summer has been great so far! i've been staying busy with school, work @ CAAS, fun&play and have been able to spend time with a great bunch of friends. there has also been major fooding + cooking/baking lately.

---

i think i'm unfortunately winding down from the caffeine boost i got from the 2 cups of coffee earlier, but i'd really like for the following words to go to my friends in need:

we're young.

life should never be static

it should be an adventure, a whirlwind

who needs to settle,

when there is a world of possibilities

awaiting us.

maybe if you let it go

it'll come back stronger.

maybe if you don't

you'll miss out

on all the adventures

you could have had.

don't be afraid

to explore

to fly

to question

to doubt,

because your thoughts

are yours alone.

if we were judged on all the thoughts we have

no one would be guiltless.

the vision

2010-06-09T03:50:00.004-05:00

i still believe in it...just something to share with you all about what i ran on.

it didn't take me very long to write, but i definitely ruminated for quite a bit. i also made every effort to make it (hopefully) an empowering vision statement that had realistic goals, but vague enough for change and input.

in my research i really thought heavily about how to go about writing my vision statement. and hopefully i captured well enough what my vision was. even though i didn't win, i still hope that i'll be able to help implement some/most/all of my vision statement for the duration of my involvement.
---

This past year has been a big one for Taiwanese Americans throughout the nation. Many of us were affected in some way or another by Typhoon Morakot, motivated to “Be Counted” in the 2010 Census, and blown away by the viral video clip of Lin Yu Chun singing Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You." As part of this amazing community, the Intercollegiate Taiwanese American Students Association (ITASA) now has a more prominent role to fill.

As “a non-profit organization providing events and resources that explore and celebrate Taiwanese American identity in order to inspire, empower, and activate its community,” ITASA chiefly focuses on activating students directly with our regional conferences, leadership retreats, and website. In the coming year, I see even more promise for our organization in terms of activating and connecting our community. As a resource for a collegiate audience, we need to help students bridge the gaps in our community. It is my belief that in order to do so, we need to collaborate with our counterparts in the Taiwanese American and Asian American communities even more so than before! Be it a nationwide philanthropic effort, a regional mixer, or a series of educational workshops, as an organization we need to make ourselves more visible and known in order to serve as a resource to our community.

The possibilities are endless. Our organization is a venue for collaboration, initiative, and empowerment. Perhaps our mission statement might seem vague at times, but vagueness only opens up more possibilities for the leaders that comprise our National Board. We have an organization of people from a variety of backgrounds. Let us use that to our advantage. In the coming year I hope to engage National Board members old and new in hopes of reaffirming the old networks ITASA has helped to bridge in our community. By establishing an alumni database and developing a strong philanthropic branch of our organization, ITASA will be able to better connect to the greater Taiwanese and Asian American communities.

While there is a lot of room for growth, we also need to refocus on what has defined ITASA. Regionally, we need to reach out to existing student organizations more, but also provide the resources needed for new and fledging ones as well. The needs of our community changes year to year; ITASA needs to be able to change and address those needs. Without providing resources for club building, how will we be able to help our community grow? In addition to this, regional and national support of our conferences needs to be taken to the next step. With a plethora of resources and creative minds in our community, the National Board as a whole should be more engaged in the development of our conferences.

In order to accomplish these objectives, we have a lot of work ahead of us. Our organization needs support from more than just the communities it serves to sustain itself. Development is essential in the maintenance of our organization, but it is more than just a team in ITASA, it is a group effort. Moreover, we need to reach beyond the boundaries of the regions we are grouped in and communicate amongst ourselves. By collaborating more, we can do more.

frolicking in austin

2010-06-07T01:49:00.002-05:00

Today was fun and very summery-feeling. lisa, daph and i went out to the Hyatt Hotel's 1st ever Night of the Bat festival around 4ish this afternoon. Before our brief visit to the festival we walked around by the dog park near there and even trekked over to Butler Park off of Riverside. At the dog park I got tracked with some puppy paw prints of this cute little black dog who had been swimming in town lake -__- not the best day to choose to wear light colors but oh wells.

At the festival we went crazy at the Cornucopia and Jim Jim's stands because it was all FREE! Courtesy of the Hyatt. We were aiming to go back later but it didn't happen =[. It was so hot that even after the 1.50 size of free Jim Jim's we got we still went to Sno Beach.

Rest of the afternoon/night was spent eating/munching/snacking at my place and watching the Ugly Truth and Julie and Julia! I also went to get dindin with my cousin and her adorable babies. Fun times. Can't believe it was still in the 90s at like 8pm tho.

this made my day~

2010-06-05T17:00:00.002-05:00

an e-mail i got from one of my closest friends =]

what i like about us:
i like that we are at the comfort level that takes years to get to. i feel like i have no personal spaces when im with you and its comforting knowing that i dont need to wary to boundaries. i like how i know i could just sit in a room with you for hours without conversation and we're at that point where we dont need conversation to enjoy each other's company. i love that there isnt anything awkward between us so i know i can ask/tell you just about annyyythingg. i like that i know i can always depend on you and i know that you'll always love me the way that i love you.

what i like about you:
i love your ability to multitask because it is such an admirable trait. i like your caregiving/motherly personality even though you dont like it sometimes. your willingness to give makes me feel giving myself. i have trouble opening up and giving back if i feel like they dont put out as much as i do. however, i feel bad sometimes but grateful because you put more into our relationship than i put in. i like that i can always count on you because i know you are just as capable and moreso than i am at completing something. once you say you'll do something, you will always follow through and it makes you the most dependable person i know. I love your passion for what you care about. i love how titles and officer positions arent just a resume builder for you. Instead, you view it as an opportunity for yourself and the organization to grow and improve. i like how we can analyze things through when we are talking because it helps me learn so much about myself(what im thinking) as well as about you

=) love you!

paint the town

2010-06-04T14:32:00.002-05:00

last night was fun and much needed. i missed being with friends dt. i missed austin nightlife. there's nothing like lounging on a rooftop or in a chill bar with a nice cold drink.

i haven't left austin yet and i'm already anticipating how much i will miss it when one day i realize i can't just go downtown and run amuck with my lovelies...

so let's make the most of it <3

enfj

2010-06-03T02:12:00.002-05:00

it's crazy how much a test can tell you about yourself. even in this situation all i can think about is not that i lost, but the things i wont be able to do. i keep going back to my vision statement. maybe if i realized i wanted it so much earlier, it would have made a difference...

im grateful for all my supporters though. i went for it and unfortunately fell short. i just wish i knew all the reasons why so i can improve. that and i'm just a nosy person like that.

not sure i want to tell my mom. although i am more relieved than anything, i have a feeling she's just going to make me feel bad about the loss and the fact that i'm still willing to stay involved. mom's have a way of doing that. but where she sees loss i see opportunity. where she sees a waste of time, i see passion and possibilities. anyone want to help me translate that?

keep going

2010-06-03T01:34:00.001-05:00

yea i'm kinda disappointed...but i'm trying my best to move on. i just wish there was more i could have done...i just wish there wasn't as much working against me. i know i can still make a difference, but it's not the same.

visionary

2010-05-25T02:36:00.002-05:00

i'm happy. and i hope the ppl around me will be as well.

california trip was great for meeting new friends, but i also came back with new reservations.

[insert name], i want you to be happy. i hold back my words for your sake. but i do worry too. i hope you make the right decision for yourself.

i'm nervous. the future holds a lot of possibilities. but i'm confident. i believe in my words, and in my vision. i hope others do as well. when this is all over i hope to share it with you all =].

something new

2010-05-05T12:56:00.001-05:00

http://fauxbana.tumblr.com/

sunsets with friends and other not so mundane things

2010-04-28T04:52:00.003-05:00

life is good lately.

busy, but good. i'm having fun, keeping up with [most] of my work, and just really in a good place.

i'm so happy for my friends too. esp. daphne =] you deserve it girl!

hopefully things continue to get even better! i'm about to embark on adventures i'm not sure i would've indulged in a year ago. still grounded, but there's nothing like a bit of spontaneity in life to spice it up.

i have some pretty clear objectives ahead for myself. let's hope i get there =]

asdf...

2010-04-12T23:45:00.002-05:00

i've been good karma, so why do you keep bringing me down?

sigh...

hate to be so full of complaining lately, but i just can't help but feel extremely overwhelmed.

i have an urge to just go out and have fun because i just feel so stifled sometimes.

busy

2010-04-12T02:07:00.000-05:00

i hate when i'm stressed and i can't do anything but worry about it...

30 hours of work this coming week with 2 papers and all my 5 classes too.

feedback

2010-04-10T01:57:00.003-05:00

sometimes i just want to know what you're thinking...

i kno i think/talk/over analyze too much. but it's just natural when the feedback isn't there. sometimes, i just feel like i'm putting too much of myself out there and not getting enough back.

working on it all.

one step at a time.

i'll get there, but i need some feedback.

i wish i could be like you all sometimes and hold back more...but i'm bursting with thoughts/words/opinions that i feel are a waste if not shared. share with me~ =] i'd really like to hear your voices too, instead of constantly babbling away.

.:overwhelmed:.

2010-04-08T00:16:00.002-05:00

so...i would like to be able to do everything...but i can't.

i need to learn to say no to people and yes to the things i want and need.

i need to make myself advisor and mentor, not just do.

i need a lot of things...more sleep time, more studying, more money, to relax more, a massage/spa day would be nice.

i'm really enjoying my new job at the center, but i'll be jumping back into the cookie biz and opening my avail to wed, thur, fri afternoons/evenings as well...at least the weekends are still kinda there...

i wish people would be more understanding of all the fact that i do try to do as much as possible, but in the end i can't do it all. maybe i need to work on conveying that.

too many I's in this post. maybe it's just me being selfish.

really looking forward to the 5 days in cali in may. days i can relax, maybe even not have 2302938093 emails to check, and simply enjoy myself.

groovin'

2010-04-04T16:55:00.002-05:00

i've been a bit low profile this past week. needed a rest from the conference. time to get back into the groove and tie up loose ends.

i made some great, new friends and discovered a lot about myself during the pre-and post conference week. i'm pretty confident in my abilities as a leader, and i'm proud that under so many instances, i've been able to come out on top despite the obstacles.

and it's not just that. i've come to some conclusions. there's no more time to be afraid or hold back. the time i've got is time i should be using to just simply- GO FOR IT.

i trust myself, my heart & mind, and the words of my friends. i think if i use all of that and listen to it all, i'll have a great and fruitful life.

new establishment in my life. thefluffythingsinglife.blogspot.com is now open. it'll be my blog filled with all the fun adventures i somehow get pulled into as well as nice fluffy new/stories that i hope will make everyone smile. including me. also selling some of my plushies that are a great stress reliever to make =].

wasted

2010-03-10T10:19:00.002-06:00

biggest pet peeve ever --> PEOPLE WHO WASTE MY F'ING TIME.

i'm not the most meticulous person when it comes to scheduling my time. but one thing i am is considerate of other people's time, and i expect the same in return. when i plan meetings, schedule times to visit places of business, i always take the time to inquire of other people's time and ensure it's not a hassle to them. here lies my problem. i'm always left waiting. i hate that feeling. waiting itself is a waste of my time. when i schedule things, i do so out of necessity.

so people out there...please don't waste my time. you're just going to piss me off and lose my respect. i'm a flexible girl. i'm not unreasonable. if i plan something with you, i make sure you have time to let me know if things change. but it's just plain rude if you make plans and don't even bother with a text to tell me "hey, this time isn't so good for me anymore."

i dont understand why ppl behave in such ways

shaking...

2010-03-08T03:41:00.002-06:00

i dont think i'm prepared

i never feel as prepared as i should be

i'm kinda freaking out (a lot)

i hate that i actually have school work this week

i hate that i'm being overwhelmed

i hate that i sometimes feel alone in all this

i hate that i'm not stronger, faster, more efficient...

i guess it's a matter of being human

i am just looking forward to spring break and having a bit of time to myself to clean and ruminate and prepare. esp with not so many ppl around. it'll give me some time to recenter.

red

2010-03-07T08:06:00.001-06:00

And I can't do this by myself
All of these problems, they're all in your head
And I can't be somebody else
You took something perfect
And painted it red

No sympathy
When shouting out is all you know
Behind your lies
I can see the secrets you don't show
We don't know how you're spending
All of your days
Knowing that love isn't here
You see the pictures
But you don't know their names
Cause love isn't here

Daniel Merriweather - Red

...

i refuse to allow myself to be painted in red.

life, can you stop kicking my ass???

2010-03-06T22:11:00.002-06:00

2 midterms, 1 paper and innumerable hours of conference planning and worrying in the next week....BRING IT ON!

can we add some sleep time in there?

there are no endings, just beginnings...

2010-03-05T08:32:00.002-06:00

i have my fingers crossed for the APA community student liaison job i applied for at the beginning of the week >_< regardless of all the fears, i think that ultimately, i'm heading the right way. there's a lot of things i'm hoping for. instead of just hoping, i've been actively working towards them.

this is truly my senior year, and even though i'm adding on the extra semester, it won't be the same then. essentially, my undergraduate years are over and everything will be different. for one, next year i wont have any affiliation to TASA besides being a member perhaps. let's just say a lot of things changed this year...mostly for the better.

let's take this all one step at a time. i'll eventually get there, but i've got to make sure to enjoy life on the way.

5am musings...

2010-03-04T05:34:00.003-06:00

my mind is static

my heart is restless

i've been at this for a while

maybe some change is being called for

i'm not a consistent entity

my soul likes to flutter about

it's fascinated by the unknown

but i'm afraid my heart is sometimes too steadfast

and my mind too logical

they bind my soul

and sometimes i stay frozen

maybe it's fear,

maybe it's something more obscure

maybe i just need to (wo)man up

and fly...

whirlwind...

2010-03-04T00:43:00.002-06:00

that's what the next month is going to be.

recap of this week so far:

sun - film shooting for our 3 conference video! so excited about this one...took us 3 hours and lots of laughs, but i got to kick someone in my sassy little cowgirl boots. don't worry, no one was hurt but we did get a few funny looks since we had to shoot the scene a few times =]

mon - horribly sick again...pretty much since thursday i've had a hacking cough and congestion that stuffed me up so bad i thought i'd never be able to breath again. i even made a doctor's appt at the school clinic but i ended up cancelling it on tuesday when i felt better...also it conflicted with a class i've definitely missed too much of (somehow i show up on all the days we need to do in class writing to turn in for attendence tho!)

tue - i.hate.tuesdays...7 hours of class and being sick makes hanna pass out once she gets home. i did make it to Roy's for Austin Restaurant Week for dinner with Daphne though! We shared a Waygu beef carpaccio appetizer and then i got the lobster bisque, tiger shrimp, and bread pudding...nomnom the service was good but they took a little longer than they shouldve to get out our entrees. however, they did offer us some free wine for the wait.

http://restaurantweekaustin.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/Roys.pdf

wed - nice sleep-in day bc of late classes then meetings galore.

this week's weather has been amazingly sunny but not too warm...there's been a nice breeze and just enough chilliness to keep me from sweating just walking to class (unlike the horribly hot summers). i think that's a big part of what's making me feel much happier this week despite my busy schedule.

i've realized that i have had to turn down a lot of things tho. this year i've found myself reprioritizing things i never thought i would. sadly...sometimes this means time with some friends as well. i'm trying to be better about this but ive realized i can't satisfy everyone, that sometimes i just need time to recoup myself. i miss being about to just jump in my car and go wandering around austin alone or with a close friend or two. hopefully april will bring back more of that. i miss exploring this city more and taking in what it has to offer.

immunity fail

2010-03-01T17:27:00.003-06:00

still sick...pretty sure it's just a really bad cold but i'm getting it checked out at the school clinic tomorrow.

sigh...there were a couple of days/nights i was out for a few hours, but besides that, it's pretty much been me in the aptment hacking away. at least my emailing capabilities haven't been limited, so i have been able to get some work done. i sound horrible on the phone though...hate that i have to worry the parents while they're away at the merch show in Las Vegas. mom even talked about me going home to get looked at.

just glad that i have awesome friends...and the 3 hours of promo vid filming for the conference was worth it on sunday...i got to kick peter in my cowboy boots ;) no harm, just some good laughs were done.

images

2010-03-01T06:19:00.002-06:00

images of you and me, always floating through my head

let's set the date

the date when everything changes

and you can see me in a new light

it doesn't change things

but i like to think myself a forgiving soul

and you a lighthearted spirit

maybe together

we'll head in the right direction

one day

relentless...

2010-02-28T05:12:00.002-06:00

Now you're better than you think you are,
show these people what you were born to do.
'Cause I believe in you
I'd bet my life on you.
Forget the awful words they said
lost your dream, they lost their heads.
It's funny what fear does to you.

Audrye Sessions - Relentless

hopefully i'm back on my feet.

feeling a lot better and more motivated. gotta break a sweat to get to the finishing line i suppose.

working on changing my habits for my health in general. the sleep thing definitely needs work, but i'm not sure it's happening anytime before the conference ends. low-carb diet is doing ok this week...we'll see how it continues. and no, i am not on a diet. i just refuse to let my genetics rule my life. hyperglycemia is something i can keep in check and i should. so yea i'm not the most healthy eater, but by watching the carbs, my body will thank me in the long run (although it already abhors the idea of low-carbs =[)

我被打敗了

2010-02-25T02:43:00.003-06:00

just not myself lately.

for once i miss the warm texan weather, wish it would come back faster.

im thankful i have such a great roommate as tina this year, and such great, supporting friends. i dont know what i wouldve done if i didn't have them around this past weekend.

still working on recovery.

ku bu chulai le, keshi hai hen jimuo.

im not invincible

2010-02-25T00:49:00.001-06:00

sick again...mostly a cough this time

some bruises

been sleeping a lot to make up for all the stress...not sure it's enough

ive lost a few lbs within the last week.

stress relief writing

2010-02-23T02:10:00.003-06:00

i am taiwanese.

i am taiwanese american.

i am asian american.

i am asian.

and i chose to express my story in words, because it is truly through words that i have been able to discover, educate, and share with myself and others, what all of these identities mean to me.

i am taiwanese through my words- it was the first language i spoke.

i am taiwanese american through the acquisition of my knowledge that the american addition does not require a blood bond.

i am asian american through my education, it was a community i discovered i also belong to once i entered my collegiate years.

i am asian because that's what most of the world sees upon first look.

this is not the story of a girl who had problems accepting the identities she has fallen into.

this is the story of a girl who found them and has worked to inspire them in others, because being the only one who identifies with something, is the loneliest feeling in the world.

i'm not sure this story will ever be finished, but the importance is that it has been started.

just a worrying fool

2010-02-23T01:49:00.002-06:00

don't tell me not to worry because it doesn't work.

if life is a box of chocolates i seem to have picked a lot of rotten ones this past weekend. sure it wasn't all bad, but the bad bit is a bit overshadowing of the good.

i wish i could just escape for a bit longer and not have to jump back into the groove again. i don't understand how ppl think the way they do.

ive lost my faith in some, reaffirmed them in others.

i dont think there is an answer to all this, and i dont know if i want to know.

back in action!

2010-02-11T02:42:00.001-06:00

reinvigorated.

faltering in confidence

2010-02-09T04:38:00.002-06:00

i wish time would stop for me to gather my wits together again. there have been so many times this year i've truly had to prioritize and choose between obligations and wants. i'm not sure how i feel about this all anymore. i wish it would just be april already. life has been good and fun, but my nerves need to settle. sometimes i while my time away just sitting and thinking of all the things that need to get done. overwhelmed. i need people to help pick me up...everything is a bit molasses-y right now. i feel like i'm having to fight for every bit of progress. but at least i am making progress. i just hope i'm still intact once i make it to the finish line.

i can't seem to stop this feeling

2010-02-08T14:22:00.003-06:00

smiles
words
personality...

you seem to have it all going for you
and i can't stop looking, waiting, wondering
and i'm helpless
i am unsure
insecure of what i want,
how to secure my happiness,
of what to do.

and i'm helpless
because of the way you make me feel
i'm helpless
because i'm scared
because matters of the heart are never easy
it takes two to resolve
and only one to break the other.

i'm scared
i'm timid
i'm shy
i'm modest
i'm waiting...
but i don't want to
and i'm stuck
in a tangle of insecurities.

it's getting there

2010-02-01T15:18:00.002-06:00

what i've been doing...

reading...lots of it

ruminating...my readings come along with lots of deep thinking/processing 0_0

having fun

trying my best to stop saying no

making time for myself

making time for the things i love

working on the conference as usual

been keeping myself busy living life

today i chatted with mom:

mommy: how's work lately

me: not scheduled much bc of my school schedule

mommy: it's ok, just concentrate on your studies and work hard! and find a boyfriend!

me: boys are too much trouble >_< (tai ma fan!)

mommy: ok then, no boyfriend, just go get the 100k (LOL in reference to how you can earn around 100k USD from "marrying" Chinese ppl who want to come over to US)

~this joke is never going to get old...

in a heartbeat we changed so fast...

2010-01-28T12:49:00.002-06:00

i've been busy lately...

tuesdays are pretty bad. 7.5 hours of class that sometimes i feel like i'm in HS again.

but oh, the 3 day weekends make it worth it =]

despite my complaints of all the class time, im happy with all my classes this semester. ALL AAS, a lot of reading, a lot of papers, but great professors for the most part. it's a satisfying feeling to buy books instead of textbooks that weigh down my body and soul. i feel a lot like lighter, so even with the heavier work load, i can do it. i can sit in class for those 7 or so hours and not constantly feel like i'm wasting my time. that this is the stuff i want to learn. that college is about finding the subjects that not only stimulate your mind, but capture your heart and interests in such a way that sitting in class can become a captivating thing to do instead of a burden.

yesterday i got the information packet i requested during winter break from the school of social work. it's one of those indescribable feelings when you open something that can possibly be the next chapter of your life.

let's see where it's going...if i keep this up..all my passion, work, not so shabby time management, maybe the future wont look so scary.

im making my way back

2010-01-26T14:34:00.001-06:00

it's been too long

...

post promised after i get out of my tuesday obligations

who i am

2010-01-17T01:22:00.001-06:00

for you and me chels ;)

I want someone to love me
For who I am
I want someone to need me
Is that so bad?
I wanna break all the madness
But it's all I have
I want someone to love me
For who I am

Nothing makes sense, nothing makes sense anymore
Nothing is right, nothing is right when you're gone
I'm losing my breath, I'm losing my right to be wrong
I'm frightened to death, I'm frightened that I won't be strong

I want someone to love me
For who I am
I want someone to need me
Is that so bad?
I wanna break all the madness
But it's all I have
I want someone to love me
For who I am

Hey!

I'm shaking it off, I'm shaking off all of the pain.
Breaking my heart, breaking my heart once again

I want someone to love me
For who I am
I want someone to need me
Is that so bad?
I wanna break all the madness
But it's all I have
I want someone to love me
For who I am

I want someone to love me
For who I am
I want someone to need me
Is that so bad?
I wanna break all the madness
But it's all I have
I want someone to love me
For who I am

Yeah, who I am.

-Nick Jonas & The Administration

useless

2010-01-06T06:04:00.003-06:00

i always feel so useless at home. it doesn't help that my parents like to pick on me about absolutely everything. i dont think they realize to what extent how discouraging their seemingly "harmless" comments are to me. if anything they feel like it should make me work harder to "prove" myself or to be whatever they believe i should be, but in reality, it makes me not care even more.

ie:

-getting mad at me bc i was arguing about taking my younger brother to get his hair cut. he is 18, he can speak english, he has money, he can drive. where exactly does it scream YOU NEED TO DO IT AND TELL THEM HOW TO CUT HIS HAIR TOO HANNA?

-my brothers are pigs and leave random things lying around everywhere...i am immediately the first person that parents always assume item/objects/trash belongs to.

-they lecture me about not being a clean person and what is my future husband or whatev gonna think. 1. im not dirty, 2. even if i was, living in a house with 4 other ppl doesnt mean every mess is mine, 3. what if it was already dirty before i got here -_- (still my fault i didn't clean it btw).

-yes i need to be glued to the computer all day in order to communicate with the world and not go insane.

-no i don't want to call the 20920382903 1-800 numbers to cancel this or that or help you call/ask about other people's problems. i still do it anyway, but asking me to call someone/where everyday to check again is a little much

-why is it so bad for me to go out to coffee w/ friends 2x a week

-i just need some space. k?

-one time a weightloss commercial came on tv and they showed the before pics, my dad proceeded to be like: hey is that like you...omfg...yea i know i need to lose some weight, but you saying that isn't gonna exactly make me feel good. if i do it it's because i want to, not bc of some stupid insensitive comment you make

-my mom actually JOKES with me that she should marry me off to a chinese guy who wants to get their papers...apparently you can get around 100k for it. WTF not funny. even after i voiced how wrong that is to me she continues to joke about marrying me off for the money and then we can take a trip to China for fun with part of the cut...once again WTF.

how am i not supposed to react in annoyance or anger at any of this. even though they are my parents i deserve some respect. i have never done anything that would remotely make them ashamed of me. sigh...i just need some time away. needless to say, not spending much time at home in the summer/next winter.

choices...

2010-01-04T03:15:00.002-06:00

Grad school - http://www.utexas.edu/ssw/aa/mssw/cal.html armed with my AAS degree, it would definitely work with my goal of non-profit consultant extraordinaire
Learn Chinese in Taiwan - essentially live off my grandparents, tempting, but definitely a last resort.
FIND A JOB.

lots more to elaborate on with the pros and cons. but these are the clearest paths i see at this point. i wish i could say i was brave enough to just sign up for something courageous like the peace corps, but so much uncertainty scares me. unfortunately im not the type to leap into the unknown as much as i would like to be.

accomplished

2009-12-30T02:00:00.002-06:00

jumping back into work mode already =] it's good to be back

austin next week

---

on a more somber note, one of my oldest friends (elementary!) was involved in a serious motorcycle accident on Dec 23rd. She was a victim of the reckless motorcyclist she was riding with. People, be careful of who you trust to drive you around.

This boy ignored her when she asked him to slow down at a curve in the expressway. He decided to speed up instead. After the crash he (who was not as injured as she was) proceeded to keep her from contacting her parents by keeping her from her phone and actually threw it away over the guardrail or disposed of it in another similar matter (she was in too much pain to remember). He also told others who stopped to help them to not listen to her when she attempted to ask for their help in contacting her parents. In his fear of her parents anger over an accident he caused, he ended up making even more of an ass out of himself.

Words can't describe how angry I am at this person who I've never met. When a friend and I paid our injured friend a visit at her home, she had just come home from cleaning her wounds at the doctor and her pain medication was just about to wear off. It truly broke our hearts to hear her start crying because of the pain she was in. She is a strong person though. I know she will bear through these hard times and persevere.

We never stayed extremely close throughout HS and college. In HS we ran with different crowds. In college we're separated by many miles. But I'm proud to say that we stayed friends despite it all.

Shirley...I'm here for you! Just let me know what to do. From book recommendations to Chik-fil-a w/ BBQ sauce runs. Though thick and thin ;)

lately...

2009-12-26T01:55:00.002-06:00

busy

hectic

chaotic

messy

lazy

sluggish

bored

home always makes me feel blah. every time i come back i think it just makes me realize that it's not quite home anymore. even tho i've moved around every year of college, slowly ive become to realize that what feels like home more is the environment i create for myself. yea it's always nice to be with my family, and i am definitely comfortable in my house, but ive found that when i reference home, most of the time i'm still thinking of whatever apartment im living in at the time. in particular, i think that this year, tina and i have definitely made quite a home for ourselves in our little apartment.

break is nice and relaxing, but i kinda want things to get moving again.

conference is drawing closer.

anticipation

excitement

worry

logistics

problems

solutions

relief

success

antsy pants

2009-12-07T02:33:00.003-06:00

i'm so antsy right now...there's just something about 2am that gets me like this if i'm not out and about doing something or asleep.

it's like a feeling in my bones that refuses to be shaken off. i can't sit still, my mind races, i randomly get up and don't kno why i walk around. sedentary activities in particular aggravate me and it's usually a time when no one else is around usually to accompany me on my random ventures.

trying out some breathing. maybe that will rid me of this antsy-ness.

i press snooze to return to my random dreams...

2009-12-01T01:01:00.002-06:00

this morning i attempted to wake up many times...and pressed snooze for each of the attempts. i promise i had a good reason! i was having a bunch of those weird mini dreams between the snoozes. they were so random/weird/interesting, i just had to find out what happened...unfortunately i dont remember much of most of them, but it just makes me realize how important dreaming is. it's a nice relief from the realities of life. you know they're not real, but nevertheless it's funny to see things in a different light in your subconscious.

<--->

im making the things i wished for happen, life doesn't wait for you, it asks for you to keep up and stop missing all those scenic views...

it's nice to be back in austin despite all the things i put off for thanksgiving piling down now. i'm tackling it one at a time.

things are really pulling together for the conference =]...life is going well. i'm happy, tired, stressed, worried, over/underwhelmed...but mostly just glad the happy is still in there.

communication...something a lot of ppl lack skills in

2009-11-18T23:17:00.002-06:00

i'm not frustrated, i'm more disappointed. i hate how people assume. i hate how people don't communicate. i'm trying. i'm reaching out...

currently i have been made aware that certain people have assumptions about certain things i'm involved in organizing that are completely untrue. rather than actually communicating their concerns, they have made assumptions that are completely off base and to be honest, don't give us (those involved in planning) enough credit.

this is going to change...i can't stand seeing/hearing all these gross misassumptions

another middle of the night adventure

2009-11-17T04:49:00.003-06:00

the spontaneity of life is what keeps it interesting...

i would say of the best memories ive had in college, many of them have been middle of the night adventures. despite knowing the consequences the next morning, my friends and i somehow always manage to spirit off into the darkness and conquer the night~ and i have to say, these moments are ones where we dont need the uninhibitedness that inevitably comes from alcohol or other stimulants...it is pure euphoria and natural endorphins that get us going.

tonight at 2am tina and i decided we wanted to go see the meteor shower. we picked up cliff (richards younger bro) on the way and sped off to go stargaze from the cliff by the 360 bridge. we spread out a blankie and stared off into the sky in freezing weather. it was beautiful. we rounded out the night with some hot chocolate at mcd's. i wish all nights could be like this...

smile

2009-11-16T01:27:00.004-06:00

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh you make me smile...

*smile-uncle kracker

i need me some of this...

i can do more

2009-11-15T22:03:00.002-06:00

yes i seem like a busy girl. but i kno what's important in life, and i make time for it.

family, friends, my sanity for a start.

lately ive been feeling i really need to go over all my old chinese class materials. even tho i wont be taking the next course until next fall, ive been feeling that it's an inadequacy in my education i need to fill...so if you see me and you speak/read mandarin or speak that (or taiwanese)...feel free to engage in convos with me. i need practice buddies to make sure i dont lose that part of myself.

bright lights, fuzzy lights, seizure lights ;)

2009-11-14T05:10:00.003-06:00

thurs and fri night have been a whirlwind of fun with people i don't normally party with. changing up the scene but keeping it real still.

i got to meet Phil Yu and Lynn Chen so far from AAAFF! i really wish i was more involved in the volunteering and planning of that this year, but i definitely wouldnt have been able to handle that along with the conference, work, school and whatever else i get roped into.

i'll be sad when this weekend is over! but there's still a full 2 days left.

making the best of life one day/night at a time.

is say senior year is pretty much amazing so far =]

friends~ you are all welcome to jump in with me on this adventure called life.

nostalgia, best served w/ warm and fuzzy feeling memories

2009-11-09T04:23:00.005-06:00

i like to think i was quite the cute kiddie back in the day~

lol i went through so many transformations...girly girl, curls, tomboy, short hair, lanky, chubby cheeks...etc.

i still love my stuffed animals...i kinda miss the old ones tho (maybe somewhere in the attic at home still? maybe mom sold/gave/threw them away?). the pink dog with red ears was my fav (pretty obvious since i'm hugging it). i used to sleep in the bottom bunk which is a bigger size so i'd line up a row of them against the wall on my fav childhood blankie that i folded up into a long strip shape. hair is curly cuz they permed it when i went to taiwan the summer b/f and i had gotten lice from some dirty girl at the boys&girls club.

my cousins had fun posing/playing with me by dressing me up and making me model for a photoshoot. there are several variations of this photo throughout our fam's albums.

~age 3. brownsville memories =]...i remember the days mommy would walk us over to mcd's nearby and we'd steal the plastic balls to play with at home ♥. also mcd happy meals came in cool buckets and halloween trick-or-treat things back then. there's actual vid tapes somewhere where grandpa was visiting for his 64th? birthday and i was playing with the balls with him and Jack. I threw ball at Jack (still a baby) and hit him on the head. LOL, what can i say, toddlers (aka me) just have no understanding of why babies can't catch yet. i remember watching IT with my parents and just being super confused as to why the clown was killing ppl randomly.

how do you explain...

2009-11-05T22:48:00.002-06:00

how do you explain

in words of your mother tongue,

one that you are devoted to

yet lack the ability to vocalize properly,

what your passions mean to you?

how do you explain

that it's not about the money

that you do what you do

because it's what you love

and believe in?

how do you explain

when they already understand

but they don't comprehend WHY

when they worked so hard all their lives,

WHY! would you throw all the conventional things away

to chase after something that sounds so...abstract?

how do you explain

that one day you know your path,

one you've thought about thoroughly

although there is no set plan,

will lead to success (however you measure it)

is somewhere in your future--

a future that is endless,

a future that is meaningful,

a future you know you can live with?

it's hard playing games

when you just want to say

all the words you've been saying with your heart.

i don't know how to feel

2009-11-04T23:25:00.002-06:00

i'm overthinking things again. it's just my nature. i can't help but doubt, even when my rational side tells me otherwise. it's the one trait of mine i really wish to change. even though i can show a brave and confident face, it's my 心 that hurts. it's funny how the little "insignificant" things and words in life settle in the deepest.

other than that, life is going well. the conference is going well. a lot of the hard work i put in is finally starting to show. i'm so grateful to all the people that support me and the conference. without them, none of this would've been possible!

i'm plugging away...work/school/conference/play~ all the things that keep me distracted from matters of the heart.

on my mind...

2009-11-02T02:15:00.002-06:00

i just wish people would mind their own business sometimes. no, you're not helping. please take me seriously because a lot of matters are not just a joke.

yes i overthink and am too serious at times, but i have my reasons. i wish more people would understand that i'm not just simply being a worrywort, i just am thoughtful about the implications of actions because i see stupid little problems that arise from rash decisions and inconsiderateness.

i had a really fun halloween weekend, but now it's time to hit the grind again. i have something ridiculous like 8 or 10 papers due before the end of this way too short fall semester.

beautiful songs with loaded messages...

2009-10-30T00:34:00.001-05:00

Greg Holden - Choking on the Concrete

Sorry Im not out, my pockets feel like holes
I've got nothing I can offer you as I sit here in the cold
It's a story I've been telling for longer than I know
Where did all my riches go?

An inquest I am scared of cos I don't wanna know
I've been walking off my worries
Hoping they won't follow me around and around
But they always find me

Why won't you leave me alone?

I'm terrified of answers so I chose just not to ask
Surely everything is easier when you leave it in the past
But I know that I've been waking
Almost every single night
Dripping wet with deep regret lost in this endless fight

I am falling faster to the ground
Punched at every corner with my arms securely bound
I am waiting for existence to hold me by the hand
Explain that all's not lost for me
and make me understand that I am free

My panic gets the upper hand as it tackles with me breath
I can see this is no playground fight
It's a battle to the death
I am choking on the concrete with my faced pressed to the floor
The bastards won't defeat me can't you hear me scream for more.

~heard this on private practice tonight =]

it's been a while...

2009-10-28T03:15:00.003-05:00

my life is a whirlwind lately...

i'm about to take a leap that i feel is completely me, one i probably shouldve taken ages ago but i was too doubtful and unsure.

now is the time to act. now is the time to shed all my fears. because no one else is holding me back but myself. and it's time to loosen the ties i knotted.

i feel that to some extent, these economic times have contributed greatly to the decisions i've made. definitely for the better.

college is about finding myself...and i think these last couple of years have been exactly that. but TODAY, i am not afraid to find what i already know is there. i am not afraid to act. my resolve is strong, my mind is clear, and my heart is passionate about this decision.

behind

2009-10-20T23:05:00.002-05:00

on life...

been sick last couple of days, pretty much bumming in bed and sleeping tons.

hanna will be back in action soon, please hold.

always waiting

2009-10-15T23:55:00.003-05:00

i keep waiting for you to say something...for you to say anything.

the words haven't come yet. maybe i say too much? i've tried being patient, biding my time, yet the verbal connection isn't there.

i just want to be friends. i can't say i wont want anything more, but i think i deserve friendship in return.

i'm waiting to listen, when you're ready to speak

weightless

2009-10-14T01:02:00.002-05:00

I wanna feel reckless
wanna live it up, just because

I wanna feel weightless
Cause that would be enough

If I could just find the time
Then I would never let another day go by
I'm over, getting old

Maybe it's not my weekend
But it's gonna be my year

-weightless by all time low

waiting for the weekend to come along =]

lately i've had a story brewing in my mind...need to find the time to let it out. in the meantime, here's something "weightless" from me:

weightless-

weightlessness isn't something easy to come by
all our lives we're weighted down
our minds are weighted with doubts, worries, and negativity
our bodies are weighted by the toxins we ingest
let's not forget about all the stress-
work, school, family
all it adds up to is
stretching the distance to weightlessness even further

but i digress
it is possible
even in the midst of it all
if we can just slow it down
take a step back
remember what it is that fuels us
to face all the stressors we encounter
maybe
just maybe
we can bask in the glow of being weightless
our shoulders and faces lifting
as well as the corners of our mouths
into the happy grin
of reveling in the simple state
of being weightless.

tea and spanish love songs <3

2009-10-12T00:21:00.002-05:00

they make a pretty awesome power studying duo =]...

my spanish pandora station: Camila + Reik + Luis Fonsi + Mana + La Oreja de Van Gogh

im feeling nostalgic for some RGV fooding...and music. there's nothing like sitting at El Molcajete eating good food with friends and listening to Spanish pop/love songs.

i miss my rgv buddies too... =[...i wish we all had more time to gather and talk all night long (who am i kidding, one night isn't enough)

life...you are moving too fast for me. maybe slow down a bit so i can enjoy you more?

I wish I was a little bit taller... I wish I was a baller...

2009-10-10T23:19:00.002-05:00

i dont wish for a lot...but i kinda wish for this a bit [ok more than a bit but i'm trying to control myself right now]. yea i'm working on trying to let it go and move on, but it aint easy. my emotions have never been the kind to be chill or lackluster, and unfortunately, this is something that's hit me harder than i think i've been hit in a very long time. not an easy thing to shake off.

plan of action: keep busy and work on just improving myself. body, mind, soul... maybe once i'm content with all that the other stuff will just come.

paddling through the algae...

2009-10-08T04:58:00.002-05:00

when im going through the busy bits of life

i take some deep breaths

step back and re-evaluate it all.

sometimes it works

sometimes it fails

but most of the time i persevere.

how can i expect to have

the good things in life

if im not willing to work for them?

that's how i keep moving

keep fighting

keep reminding myself

it's all worth it.

yea, times do get tough

but you know what helps?

memories of the times i LOLed

with the best lot of friends life can offer.

recent LOLs i'll always cherish:

-almost getting attacked by geese while kayaking in zilker park

-random photoshoots with the roomie and her bf

-having text/watching sessions of Glee from different ends of the country

-making my friend snort in class during a film screening bc of the new ninja emoticon i discovered on MLIA (sideways ninja --> QK )

-debating with a table full of guys how our dimsum waiter was DEFINITELY gay

-thinking that i accidentally shipped off my phone with the cookies i was sending to baltimore (ok so this was more like panic for like 10 min)

-road trips to oktoberfest =]

-little kiddies pointing and calling chelsea MAMA! randomly while with their real mamas

reflecting

2009-10-07T02:23:00.002-05:00

next week will not be fun at all...from my count:

Mon: Book review

Tues: take home test

Wed: take home test due

Thurs: Midterm / Paper due

Friday: Absolute deadline for HMWK paper / CRASH:...

It happens...i probably should have been more prepared. i am not. i will survive...i think.

today my body gave in to a minicold. yes a minicold, that's what i call it when i crash for a day, spending it in bed/on the couch mindlessly watching Law&Order SVU marathons on USA (in HD =]). i went to class this morning and 5-10 minutes in i started feeling horrible. my throat & chest felt tight and constricted, i started coughing, my arms felt like jelly, and i got a headache.

i dunno what's up with my body. but when i get sick, i get sick. that's it...it's like ok it's time --> BOOM. hanna is down and out. i started feeling better after all the sleep in the afternoon though. then i proceeded to eat a pot of congee i made in the next 5 hours after that sleep. that is seriously all i do. sleep and eat when i'm sick. and voila! i'm a new person in under 24 hours.

this oddity has caused me many problems in the past. mom always thought i was trying to fake it >_<. sure i might've exaggerated a cough here and there, but believe me, i was in pain if i said i was sick. it's just that getting better within hours doesn't really help my story.

i'm not sure what it is...maybe i have some superhuman immune system. i'm just glad i'm not knocked down too long, because if i was, i dont know how i would survive next week >_<.

chicken fried

2009-10-05T00:10:00.002-05:00

And a little bit of chicken fried

Cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio up
Well I`ve seen the sunrise
See the love in my woman`s eyes
Feel the touch of a precious child
And know a mother`s love
And its funny how it`s the simple things in life that mean the most
Not where you live or what you drive or the price tag on your clothes
There`s no dollar sign on a piece of mind this I`ve come to know
So if you agree have a drink with me
Raise you glasses for a toast
To a little bit of chicken fried

-Chicken Fried by Zac Brown Band

i'm all geared up to really get things done with this conference! things are rounding out nicely. i love this song =]...really looking forward to dancing to it too <3.

i wish i could say everything was good...but it's not all good. i don't understand some things. i'm confused. i wish i had more time. maybe that would help (or give me more time to over think things even more so than i already am -_-). i have doubts, weaknesses, and all the good things that came out of pandoras box like everyone else...

homebody

2009-10-04T02:34:00.001-05:00

yes i am one. i really do enjoy nights in with the tv on while i chitchat with friends online. i always strive to make my living areas as comforting as possible, and i think for the most part i'm successful. the roomie and i like to call our apt the Black Hole. Why? Because it's so comfortable and enjoyable to be here that it just kinda sucks us in and we never wanna leave (especially for class!).

these past 2 weekends have been, for lack of a better word, EPIC. This past friday chels, thomas and i trekked our way to fredericksburg, tx for their infamous oktoberfest! just driving through there main st. i was in love! it's the sweetest little town that reminded me a lot of star hollow from the gilmore girls. i definitely want to return someday for a daytrip and visit all the lovely shops we passed by. at the festival we filled ourselves with beer, crawfish sausage, texas taters, and roasted corn =]. it was an incredible festival and we couldn't have chosen a better night to go.

after oktoberfest we were too tired for 6th so we settled on more food at la mexicana! it's a 24 hour mexican bakery on 1st street that quite frankly, made me a bit homesick for the valley.

today was more relaxed....chelsea and i went to dimsum at shanghai then a quick detour at the outlets before taking her home.

lately though, there are still a lot of things on my mind. definitely at the end of friday night i wasn't acting quite like myself. for some reason, although i was having concentrated amounts of fun, i couldn't completely find myself completely satisfied. something was missing. and even though i know i shouldnt think of such things anymore, i can't help but do so. i wish things would clear up. i wish opportunities would present itself more.

however, i believe that just as long as i continue being true to myself, my friends, my morals and values, i am still heading the right direction in life. lots of things have seemed to work out somehow and timing has been extraordinary. so perhaps, life has something in store for me. ifso, i'm patiently (sorta) waiting for the day it appears.

baking in the early morning

2009-09-29T06:14:00.002-05:00

my sleep is pretty f-ed up right now...pretty much subsisting on random naps throughout the day =[.

however, my baking itch is back, just in time for a whole week of tasa bake sales.

after the truffles sold out so fast, i kept getting calls about "is that all we have left to sell tomorrow?!" i can't help but feel a bit frustrated that i'm getting all the calls when i'm not tabling or even an officer, but i do wish sometimes that others would just take the initiative with baking/cooking in the org. i'm not going to be around forever.

however, despite my slight annoyance (due mostly in part to the schoolwork i have this week =[) i was up at 5am...and of course i baked brownies and made chocolate covered strawberries for my beloved tasa.

i've come to realize that i'm not sure i like baking with others. there's just something about the way i go about working when i bake by myself. when i'm baking with others, things just don't turn out the same. i'm not the type that hoards "secrets" when i'm cooking (feel free to ask me for tips and recipes) but i kinda hate it when ppl ask me for recipes. if they know me, they'll know i dont work well with recipes. i always like to take a peek at them for reference, but in the end, i just add elements in that i think will work and somehow, it turns out not too bad.

baking really has become something i love to do. i'm still thinking about how to work that into my future, but i'm not sure i want it to go anywhere into my career/professional life. i love baking just to try new things out and to see the smile light up my friends' faces when they hear i'm bringing them something new. i'll just continue on with what i'm doing so far and see where it takes me.

it's one of those nights where you realize that simplicity is what you crave the most...

2009-09-27T03:30:00.003-05:00

remember when...

-joining organizations was just all about meeting the new ppl and making new friends

-we used to ride around in my big ol white expedition, cruising the streets like "queens" of the world

-sleepovers involved games of Life where all our families had intricate stories

-crushing wasn't so complicated...oh wait...it was always complicated =]

-boys had cooties

-the ice cream truck used to drive by during afternoons

-after school meant there was a snack waiting for you at home

-getting sick meant free days at home tucked into bed and being fed soup and watching cartoons

-everyone dreamed of one day being like rory and going to yale

-mom and dad paid for all the groceries

-all you had to think about was getting good grades in school

i'm a independent girl, and i love it. but i still dream of the simpler days~ oh the innocence of youth.

2fer

2009-09-24T06:23:00.002-05:00

today's a 2fer...not sure why i'm still up...but my mind is whirling. in the past hour i completed a lot more work for the conference...it's rolling along =]...i'm still worried about some things, but i think it'll all turn out all right.

there's something about this time of day that is calming. conducive to work.

life has been interesting lately. i think i've done a good job so far of balancing it all. hope it wont be crashing down anytime soon.

excited about this weekend: ktv & downtown on friday, old pecan street festival on saturday. somewhere between now and sat. i plan on making zhongzhi as well! (sticky rice wrapped in bamboo leaves).

yea i still think about you. i try not to. i think by now i've realized i'm better though. i don't need to wait around. i need to get myself out there. and i am. i'm still having fun, living my life. you just like to pop in randomly once in a while. i wish i knew what to make of it.

hi, it's me

2009-09-24T01:02:00.003-05:00

hi, it's me

i'm standing here

but i'm not waiting around.

this is only a temporary stop

in the whirlwind of my life.

you better keep up,

because i'm not bound to stay

unless a good reason manifests.

why?

because i have too much to do

too much to offer

to be standing around

waiting on you.

so just for now

i'm making an appearance

to tell you

hi, it's me,

long time no see.

tag you're it:

now it's your turn

to chase after me.